shamo: (Default)
Chris is beautiful. Sprocket is also beautiful, but he's not quite whole yet, so there is 1.9 of them.

On Wednesday, should he be born, he would be considered at term, so maybe I should start calling them my beautiful 2. This is the one time in life when a person can be singular and plural at the same time. The mind boggles.

Chris has been slowed. It's that extra .9 of a person doing it. She is warm, soft and rotund. Sometimes when I hold her I get the very strong impression that I'm holding the baby too. Sometimes he takes the time to remind me of that very fact. Sometimes I wonder if he's trying to hold me too. I hope he knows he is loved.

I am both terrified and impatient to meet him. To be able to hold him myself, so he can demand I return him to his mother ASAP.

It's still all to come....

And i'm sure i'll keep doing more of this style of posting before it does.
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According to THE SCHDULE (tm.) Sprocket is due to arrive in one month. I hope he waits at least that long, because I've got 2 more weeks of my block placement at Alexandra to go. So remember little one, After September 9, everything will be fine is our family motto at the moment.

So what happens now? Time has run short and it has run fast. Chris is practising meditation and relaxation exercises, keeping herself fit and doing a tonne of yoga. She's strong, and her strength leaves me gobsmacked.

After what felt like a lull in activity and a lull in change, in the last 2 weeks I became very very aware that my son is alive, kicking, bouncing and causing his mother increasing aches and pains. Corny as it sounds, if I could take one second of that discomfort on and spare Chris' lower back I would. I'm sure this sense gets stronger as you get closer to the event. I hope I can help.

Soon Sprocket's lungs will have to do their own work. He'll have to breath and eat all on his own. Of course he won't be able to do much else for that first little while, but he'll get there. He'll have songs and stories. Funny faces and games of "peek-a-boo" and whatever else.... He'll have cuddles and whispers. He'll have us making mistakes, getting things wrong, overdoing or underdoing things and blundering about until we find our own new equilibrium. He'll have (indeed he already has) the unconditional love of his mother and father.

He'll change us forever. He already has.....

Time....

Jul. 18th, 2011 09:21 am
shamo: (Default)
So...

I'm not sure if things are going really quickly or dragging just at the moment. I've been on uni holidays, so I've had a relative surplus of free time. I've spent the free time fixing things around the house, working extra shifts where I can and generally trying not to think about teaching. I've also read a book or 2 and played a lot of The Sims 3....

This sense of time struck me last week when I was talking to a colleague in the library who I hadn't seen for a while. She asked how Chris was. I told her where we were at and how things were going. She remarked that pregnancy seems to take ages, and it felt like the baby should already be here. I guess for a work colleague I see only once a week or so, it must seem that way. Mum also always guesses we're about 4 weeks ahead of where we actually are. So it's an odd place to be in right now. Chris is about 6.5 months along. There's 10 weeks or so left till the early due date, or 12 or so weeks till the later one (yay for ambiguous scans!). So basically by the end of my next series of teaching rounds I'll come home, and the baby will be 1 or 2 weeks away. Scary shit.

So is it dragging or is it flying past? I actually can't say..... It seems to be doing both at the same time. Maybe it's the uni holidays making time feel like it's running a little slower, for me at least. There just seems to be less of a sense of urgency about things at the moment. I'm sure this sense is all the stronger for [personal profile] mstakenidentity as the one going through the physical changes. Sprocket's growing. A lot. He's also dancing around a lot. While I know that [personal profile] mstakenidentity takes joy in both these facts, I understand it's making life less than comfortable, which probably contributes to making time drag. Oh, and then there's the lack of sleep from discomfort and bathroom visits that she gets as a special bonus. When she finishes work in a month or so, things will probably slow right down for her....

We've also done most of the running around for baby preparations. Or at least I think we have. Maybe. Kinda.... We'll find out in a couple of months I suppose, but we're no longer hunting for lots of things. We've got things for Sprocket to sleep in, things for Sprocket to wear, things to catch Sprocket's poo, things to transport and carry Sprocket places, things to wrap Sprocket up in, things to clean Sprocket up, spares of most things for when Sprocket covers whatever he's wearing in vomit and so on and so on.... So there's less urgency about that side of things.

So yes, I suppose there's a lull in activity for us. Not so much for Sprocket himself though. He's going bananas. And I imagine in the next few weeks [personal profile] mstakenidentity will start to feel like this whole pregnancy thing has gone on long enough.....

We start some classes soon. July 26th is our first session, then they happen weekly after that for 3 weeks. Appointments with midwives are getting more frequent. I have a feeling time will start to speed up again really soon...
shamo: (Default)
Last time I posted about this I went over a range of feelings the ever more impending Sprocket has stirred deep within me. And now, about 1 month on, the feelings have not subsided, they have not normalised and they have not reduced in depth or intensity. In fact the opposite is true.

Conditions have altered a bit. Chris is now definitely showing. The nausea seems to have settled down (touch wood) and in general things are more in a routine. But that haze of anxiety and euphoria continue to envelope my world. I can't just describe it as 'anticipation' - doesn't do it justice.... I'm never not thinking about sprocket. I imagine that's the way it goes from here on in.

We are accumulating things. A fair few of them. Many of them we've now owned for some time. A pram. A Cot. A bundle of cloth nappies. A bath. A High Chair. It's sitting behind me as I type this starkly glaring at me. The pile is silently judging my capacity and readiness to take on what is to come. I'LL SHOW YOU PILE OF STUFF! MARK MY WORDS!

Another odd thing of note, just a bizarre observation really... pregnant bellies are harder than I thought. Of course that makes sense, but it actually surprises me for some reason.

I am trying to take care of Chris through this time. I actually find myself more in love with her each passing day. Her back is sometimes sore. She gets tired. She has odd eating habits. But that's part of how it works I suppose. It'll get worse before it gets better...

I get to see Sprocket on Monday. Monday will be good. We can even get a DVD of the scan.....
shamo: (Default)
So, Chris is now 15 weeks along this apparently 40 or so week journey. It's both going fast and slow at the same time. It's joyous, exciting confronting, terrifying and at times heart-wrenching all at once.

There are a bunch of guide-books out there for dads to be. I've been avoiding them mostly because they will say things like "So, you've gotten her pregnant, well no more strip-clubs for you then!", or "Time to give up on restoring that Holden out the back" or some such crap.

So here's my attempt to use words to give an honest appraisal of the experience so far:

It's hard. It's kind of bewildering and it can feel like you're blundering around in a haze that's a mix of anxiety and euphoria. You have no idea what's going on most of the time, and all you know is that the person you care about most in the world is on a journey you can never truly understand.

But, truth be told, your partner's probably not got that much more of an idea of what's going on than you do. They're just in the unfortunate position of having to deal with all the changes from the inside while you run off to get chocolate milk, open doors, carry things and try your darndest to make yourself useful because you know you can't really bring them any real relief from what they're going through.

That's the hardest bit. Feeling useless. Knowing that if there's pain, you can't relieve it. You can't even comprehend it. You're a passenger on this ride. She is too when you think about it, but at least she's sitting in front seat.

In my heart of hearts, I'm loving it. Granted, I'm am a slightly insane paternal cluck-monster. It is a beautiful thing, nonetheless. In spite of the vomiting, in spite of the pains, in spite of the tears it's beautiful. It's beautiful the way you watch your partners abdomen with a kind of bizarre impatience as you wait for it to "pop". It's beautiful when you see the 12 week old foetus dance around inside your partner as it tries to get comfortable. Seeing a picture so clear that you can make out a tiny brain forming, a brain that will one day have all the capacities and complexities of yours, probably to a greater degree. It's beautiful taking the time to think about what it is and what it means. It's beautiful hearing the excitement in the voices of future grandparents. And it's beautiful standing awe-struck by your partner and what she and her body are working on.

Anyway I'm out of words. Words stop working in the face of experiences that are too massive. I wish dad was here sometimes. But he isn't. So I give him the news in my dreams.

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